WELL PARENT | 5 Tips To Turn Sibling Conflict Into Cooperation

Do you sometimes feel like your day is constantly refereeing fights between your kids who are at it all the time?

Do your kids' fights trigger you until you lose control?

Are you losing your mind because you just don't know how to create more peace between them?

Every parent dreams of having kids who are best friends, and if you’ve already given up on that dream, maybe it would be enough if they would just get along some of the time.

You're asking yourself if it's even POSSIBLE to move them from a conflict-filled, competition-based relationship, to one that is kind, caring, and where they are on the same team. 

The answer to that question is YES.

Here are a few things to remember about sibling relationships:

  1. SOME SIBLING CONFLICT  

  IS NORMAL  

A healthy amount of conflict is actually pretty good for kids. However, left unchecked, sibling conflict can become unhealthy – causing serious relationship issues and a negative family culture. While it's unrealistic to expect your kids to get along 100% of the time, you ideally want to build a family culture that is heavier on positive interactions than conflict. Thankfully, there are things that parents can do to help keep the conflict low and foster cooperation, joy, kindness, and fun, and improve the overall sibling relationship.

2. POSITIVE SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS  

  REQUIRES EFFORT FROM YOU  

Healthy sibling relationships require intentional parenting and the investment of time. This means that it's up to you to learn the skills you need to handle it, and to invest the time it takes to connect, correct, teach, and model the skills they need.

Conflict among siblings provides some fabulous valuable life skills such as negotiation, problem-solving, and assertiveness. Often kids can resolve their conflicts themselves – but many need to be taught how to resolve conflict in healthier ways than they have the skillset for.  (Let’s be realistic here… many ADULTS also need to be taught this.)

3. PARENTS UNKNOWINGLY  

  CONTRIBUTE TO INCREASED  

  SIBLING CONFLICT AND RIVALRY  

Ouch! That hurts right?? Unfortunately, parents often demonstrate favoritism to one child, leading to the other child acting out of hurt, and/or internalizing negative feelings and behavior towards themselves. Additionally, there are certain behaviors that parents often do, such as setting up competitions thinking it will motivate the children to do the desired behavior, or comparing siblings to each other in order to motivate the other to try harder or do better. 

Instead one sibling begins to resent the other because they 'win' your affection and love by being 'first', or 'the best', or 'the favourite'. This often manifests in sibling rivalry and conflict. Everyone wants to be loved for who they are, without having to change to be like their sibling.

  4. MANY FACTORS INFLUENCE  

  SIBLING RIVALRY  

There are so many factors that shape sibling relationships - including birth order, age, how much time children spent together, different household compositions (e.g. single-parent homes, blended homes), divorce, trauma, abuse, neglect, siblings with special needs. The good news is that as a parent, there are things that you can do that can help meet each child’s need to be loved and seen as special and accepted for who they are.

5 TIPS TO IMPROVE SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS

  1. PRIORITIZE "SPECIAL TIME"  

  FOR EACH CHILD  

It’s a simple tool, but your child will thrive and decrease in misbehavior if they have regular, scheduled, one on one time with you where they choose the activity, and you put your phone away and be present. You will be amazed at how sibling conflict and even behavior problems diminish when the child is getting their fill of your attention.

  2. STOP COMPARING  

  AND DROP THE LABELS  

Adults often compare children in order to motivate them – ‘Look at Johnny, he’s sitting so quietly’, ‘why can’t you be more like your sister?’, ‘Look at how your little brother can do it’. Likewise, we often treat children according to the label that we have given them (even if it’s unspoken) – ‘you are always so messy’, ‘why can’t you just stop talking, you are doing my head in!’, ‘you always make us late’, 'she's the tidy one', 'he's the smart one'.

Unfortunately, these statements do the opposite of encouraging kids to want to do better – instead, these kinds of statements build resentment and discouragement, and create negative feelings towards the parent, self, and siblings - resulting in sibling rivalry and conflict.

A better way to handle misbehavior in one child is to focus on their individual need and situation, using encouraging statements and positive problem-solving approaches.

  3. PUT THEM ON THE SAME TEAM   

Another way parents foster sibling rivalry is by using competition as a method of motivation: ‘who can be the first to brush their teeth’, ‘who can be the first one to get ready’. The child who wins often feels superior, and more ‘worthy’ of the parents' love and admiration, whereas the child who ‘loses’ is discouraged.

Eventually, this begins to play out in their relationship with their siblings and their parents. Stay away from any competition-type situations which create ‘winners’ and ‘losers’, and instead look for ways to build cooperation and teamwork (or pitch the kids against the adults to give them a sense of comradery).

  4. ASSESS THE CONFLICT  

  BEFORE JUMPING IN  

If it’s mild to moderate conflict, give kids the chance to sort it out themselves while you watch from the sidelines without becoming involved. Often, they can figure it out themselves – especially if they know that you are staying out of it.

This doesn’t mean walking away if the conflict is escalating to a physical fight. Our role as parents is to ensure safety, so be present and step in if it starts getting out of hand. 

  5. REMEMBER, EVERYONE HAS A ROLE IN CONFLICT  

When your children are involved in conflict, it’s easy for us to step in and play the judge, but it’s impossible for us to know the full story.  We may *think* we know who started it, but we have no idea of what has gone on before the incident. When we start blaming one child, we are aligning ourselves against that child and siding with the other... and you can see where this is going.

One child will always leave that situation feeling discouraged and more likely to act out and increase the conflict in the future. When we do step in and help with conflict resolution, we are required to stay neutral without taking sides (no matter HOW much we want to). When we are able to do this and use conflict resolution strategies instead, both your kids will leave the conflict feeling respected, heard, accepted, and encouraged. 

 "Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?

Children DO better when they FEEL better."

- Jane Nelsen

Would you like to know more about how to make small shifts in your behaviour that will add up to big results in your parenting and in your children's relationship with each other?

Join me for an interactive webinar on Wednesday 30th March from 8-9:30pm as we deep dive into sibling relationships.

You will learn four tips to:

- Stop competition among your kids

- Improve cooperation, teamwork, and playing together

- Teach kids conflict resolution skills

- Increase each child’s sense of belonging & significance so that fights happen less often

If you’d like to learn more, scan the QR on the poster below.

Also, stay tuned for the next webinar on 13^th April as we learn why and how to hold successful family meetings. To read more about family meetings check out this article: